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The Meaning of Okay

I’ve been thinking for a while about the meaning of the word “okay.” It’s odd, because that word is fairly nonchalant, but in my experience can be the most comforting and appropriate thing to say to someone when they’re in pain.

When I was seeing a therapist last fall, one of the things she had to tell me almost every week was this: “Just take a deep breath and tell yourself, ‘It’s okay.'” I started walking around with that in my head like a playlist on repeat. It’s okay, it’s okay.

Of course, it wasn’t really (nonchalantly) okay. I was trying to cope with my Rheumatoid Arthritis, with surgeries and with some pretty serious depression. But saying that…Continue Reading

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In Standard

The Imaginings of a Girl

I see him sometimes in my mind.

Once I was walking, thinking of nothing in particular, and out of nowhere he just came into my head: A fellow lifting my mangled, scarred hand and kissing it.

On Thursday I saw him again.

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In Standard

Growing Up and Growing Old

I’m sick of hearing the phrase, “I’ll never grow up!”

In so many children’s stories and movies, growing up is The Enemy. Growing up is the Bad Thing we never want to happen. Childhood and youth are idealized, because everyone knows that growing up sucks.

Well, guess what happens to mortal human children? They get old. Some grow old. Some grow up.

And there’s a difference.

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In Standard

(GH) broken hands

(Originally posted on April 12, 2011)

Her fingers closed over the ticket, curling it into a small cone, tighter and tighter, smaller and smaller as she twisted. The others couldn’t see that she wasn’t breathing. She didn’t notice.

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(GH) a big, complicated word but so sad

(Originally posted on July, 4 2011)

Wanted to do a follow up about the surgery and stuff. Basically: It went fine. My finger looks horrendous at the moment, but I’m not in much pain as far as recovery goes. My wrist is hurting pretty badly today, which might be from my brace or could be a flare of arthritis brought on by the trauma of the surgery. Yay for sort-of-but-not-really fixing something and causing unintentional extra pain somewhere else…

I’ve been thinking, and my Relationship* with my arthritis goes in a cycle like this:

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